Falling in love on an unconcsious level

Two couples, right my father and mother; left my uncle Ko with a girlfriend


If the connection is about the attraction between anima and animus, between soul and mind, the relationship will be complicated. We fall in love on an unconscious level.  Men with women, women with men and also men with men and women with women, because in the core we are bisexual. Men can be longing to make contact with their animus, their true masculine power and women can long for their anima, for the qualities of their soul.  Falling in love brings a lot of advantages.  It opens our hearts, it brings us together, it makes us willing to listen to the other, to see the other and it takes us to a different state of consciousness, a state in which we experience the world as a miracle. Nevertheless, a relationship mainly based on projections has no future if we are not prepared to face our expectations and relate them to reality. Developing an adult love relation is hard work because there are snags in it.  According to Peter Schellenbaum* love cannot exist without ‘No’. And ‘they lived happily ever after’ is not the end but the beginning of the story. To become a happy couple and live long and happily ever after, we think we have to meet a number of conditions, that in the end will prove to be fatal  for a human relationship.


The happy couple

My father and mother

For example: if you love each other and are a happy couple

-  you should say ‘yes’ to each other without restrictions

- you will remain true for ever

-  you feel and think the same;

-  you do not criticize or betray each other and you do not say ’No’;

- you keep your relationship nice and harmonious;

-  you are never angry and do not fight;

- you do not nag;

- you succeeded in life and have a respectful status;

- your sex is deeply satisfying; both partners like to make love and like to spoil each  other;

- you do not know loneliness; even stronger: if you are single and feel lonely, you better take care that you become the half of a happy couple;

- you are always available for each other;

- you are friends with other happy couples;

- you have happy children who have happy friends who are children of happy parents


The ideal marriage or relationship?

My most direct family: Left my grandmother of father's side, uncle Carl, uncle Cor, my grandfather,father of my mother, aunt Net, my mother; sitting: grandfather of my father's side, uncle Joop and my father.

Who does not long for it? But does it exist in reality? Even in the most passionate and loving relation the ‘unconditional’ Yes can change from one day to the other in No. If after the honeymoon our loved one turns out to be someone who does not fulfill our longings, we can decide without any compassion to stop the relation.  Or we become so scared that we are willing to compromise.  The result can be that we find ourselves back to playing roles in the wrong play. Leading question may be: who cares for whom? As partners in a love relation we expect that all our unfulfilled basic needs will be answered. Is it possible that this is the reason we fall in love with a copy of the parent who has the sex of our sexual preference?  Does the mysterious animus look as two drops of water like our father and the anima like our mother?  If the answers are Yes, it would mean that falling in love is not so elusive as we believe. We cannot deny that Pa and Ma are in us. Possibly they are searching for the mirror in which they can recognize their own image outside us.


The image of our parents

Mother with her two daughters

How is it to share our lives with a man or a woman who seems to resemble more and more our father or mother? You almost look like your mother or your father, is usually not meant to be a compliment. Personally I believe that we are supposed to continue our life history where we got stuck with our parents. If our basic needs were not met, we are still waiting for what we need and could not ask for when we were a child and dependent. Now we are grown up and still long for warmth, tenderness, love, support, care and attention we have to learn to take responsibility for what we need by asking for it, maybe even demanding. We will become unhappy if we think we will get what we long for presented on a tray. If we become aware of ourselves sulking all the time, or we realize we are in a constant battle for power with our partner, we’ve got work to do. First by finding out what it is we are longing for. And second, to learn how to get what we need.  Forcing the other does not work. It is what children try who want it their own way.  How to do it then? The only way as far as I can see, is to step out of our pride,  bow our heads and admit that we long for love, warmth, sex, support, care and  attention. If we are afraid that the one we love will reject us and say No to us, asking is more than just difficult. Just imagine, admitting that we truly need sex and the answer is: do you? Well I don’t. Pity for you. There we are naked, desire raging through our body. We might even feel ashamed or humiliated, but why? I think it is strange and painful to be ashamed because our deepest needs are not fulfilled. Must be connected to the fear of not being good enough. How can I expect my loved one to give me warmth, love, support, sex if I do not feel desirable or lovable?